you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
