It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
