i wish my penis had a tongue
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
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