Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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