I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
