Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
