She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
