"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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