So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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