Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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