Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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