I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
A bitchslap is in order.
Randomize
