you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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