Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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