U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
