I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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