Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
