babies were throwing up all over the place
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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