you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
