The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
