before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize
