I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
