That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
