Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
