plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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