Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
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