dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
