Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
