I smell stomach acid.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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