so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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