Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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