Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
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