my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Im part way to drunk.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
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