My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Holy sore nipples Batman
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
