He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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