fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
