i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
