I'm really into asian looking animals
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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