you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
