He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
