remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
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