I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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