watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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