So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
