Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
