ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize
