Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
