I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
PANTIES FOUND
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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