I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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