I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
