where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
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